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4/28/2020

R Is For... Radical Self-Honesty

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Authenticity

A Question From Future You: "Are You Being Honest With Yourself?"

We need to ask ourselves this question - and more than once -
or crisis might force us to down the line

It's not unusual to run on auto-pilot, particularly when life is hectic: the diary is packed, the to-do list is brimming, the days are full.

What is unusual (and beats being busy every time) is to take a step back - as frequently as we can - and reassess; to look at what we are doing and ask ourselves: "Am I being true to myself?"

This kind of question is a catch-all for an infinite number of variations:

"Is this who I am?"
"Is this what I want
?".
"Am I heading in the right direction?"
"Did I mean what I just said?"
"Do I really think that?"
"Is this person right for me?"
"Is this job/career really what I am about?"

And so on. And, as with all of them, we will, at times dislike the answers we get.

And that's a key reason why we don't ask ourselves these types of questions in the first place.

Or, we simply don't think to.


Wake-Up Calls

The thing is, if we keep dodging them, they will eventually present themselves to us in a way that we cannot escape.

This is what a mid-life crisis is all about. 

It's about having these very questions thrust starkly in front of us at a time when we feel they must be answered.

It's when we begin to accept a truth about something (or many things) that we have, perhaps, always known deep inside but ignored.

And that dereliction of duty has given us a life that isn't the one we actually want.

It becomes a crisis because by the time life forces us to confront this, it comes with a sense of urgency inevitably due to the age at which we are made to face it.

Changes, then, have to be made - and fast.


Paying The Price

This is when marriages fail, when careers implode and when nervous breakdowns come knocking. 

It is anything but pleasant.

And it is anything but the hedonistic red sports-car-driving caricature of mid-life that is so often painted for us.

What's worse is that while it will take just minutes to undo a life that has been built over decades, it might very well take years to get to the New Life - and to get there in one piece.

Inevitably, by the time we do get there, a big part of us will have wished that we had listened to that voice inside our heads so many years earlier when it was whispering, "this person isn't right for you", or "your career is killing you".


Being "Congruent"

While this form of radical self-honesty might seem a bit extreme, it doesn't always have to reach existential levels. And we don't have to wait for a crisis to make changes.

There are subtle ways we can tap into this "knowing" right at this very minute, before it reaches such a dramatic point that it is forced to become a wake-up call.

It is called congruence.

Congruence (and its opposite, incongruence) is a concept that was coined by a psychologist by the name of Carl Rogers, which Jordan Peterson delves into in each of the videos below.

Being congruent basically means aligning body, mind and spirit. It's when our beliefs, values and desires line up with our actions.

By its nature, it requires being in touch with what we really think, what we really stand for, what we really want, who we really want to be etc.

It means recognizing the little voice in our head and actually listening to it.




The Body's Messages

And as Peterson explains, if we can't hear the voice, our body will also tell us when we are out of step.  In his words, acting incongruently will make us feel "weak".

This is not weak, as in the machismo sense - it is in the sense that acting "out of alignment" dis-empowers us, destabilises us internally, puts us on the back foot.

We all know, for example, what it feels like when something feels "off", or not quite right.

We have all had a "bad feeling" about something at some point in our lives or done something and wish we hadn't as it didn't feel like us. 

We might agree to an arrangement and a big part of us wishes we hadn't. We might make a decision and feel conflicted about it. We might say something and immediately regret it.  We might push forward with a plan but it feels empty. There's no life in it. We aren't all in.

And that's what this is really about - being all in.

Because there is only so long that we can coast along, living a half-life: being in relationships that aren't right for us, working jobs we hate, being friends with people who don't have our backs, failing to connect meaningfully with people who do.

It is a form of self-betrayal which eats away at us each time we say or do something that contradicts our true nature - frequently in such subtle ways we fail to notice it at the time, if we are not paying attention.

Until at some point, much later in life, we are made to.

And when that happens, there won't be a red sports car waiting for us. 

It will be something very different, indeed.



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        • A-Z Of Talks: Direction & Drive
        • A-Z Of Talks: E.Q. & States
        • A-Z Of Talks: Mind & Matter
        • A-Z Of Talks: Pain & Gain
    • Ideas, People & Keywords >
      • A-Z Of Key Ideas
      • A-Z Of Keywords >
        • A-Z Of Keywords: A-L
        • A-Z Of Keywords: M-Z
      • A-Z Of Key Thinkers
    • Podcasts, Radio & Audio >
      • A-Z of Podcasts, Radio & Audio >
        • A-Z Of Audio: Attitude & I.D.
        • A-Z Of Audio: Creativity & Ideas
        • A-Z Of Audio: Direction & Drive
        • A-Z Of Audio: E.Q. & States
        • A-Z Of Audio: Mind & Matter
        • A-Z Of Audio: Pain & Gain
  • Thinkers
    • Academics >
      • A - N >
        • Dan Ariely
        • Brené Brown
        • Joseph Campbell
        • Angela Duckworth
        • Barbara Fredrickson
        • Jon Kabat-Zinn
        • Dacher Keltner
        • Kristin Neff
        • Cal Newport
      • O - Z >
        • Gabriele Oettingen
        • Ken Robinson
        • Bernard Roth
        • Tina Seelig
        • Rupert Sheldrake
        • Scott Sonenshein
        • Steve Taylor
        • Richard Wiseman
    • Physicians >
      • Dr. Herbert Benson
      • James Doty
      • Gabor Maté
      • Dr. John Sarno
      • Andrew Weil
    • Psychiatrists >
      • Norman Doidge
      • Viktor Frankl
      • Stanislav Grof
      • James Hollis
      • (The Work Of) Carl Jung
      • Bessel Van Der Kolk
      • Srini Pillay
      • Jim Tucker
    • Psychologists >
      • A - D >
        • Roy Baumeister
        • Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
        • Amy Cuddy
        • Susan David
        • Edward Deci
        • Carol Dweck
      • E - G >
        • Edith Eger
        • Paul Ekman
        • Robert Emmons
        • Robert Firestone
        • Adam Grant
        • Heidi Grant
      • H - L >
        • Rick Hanson
        • Benjamin Hardy
        • Scott Barry Kaufman
        • Ellen Langer
        • Nicole LePera
        • Peter Levine
        • Marsha Linehan
      • M - Z >
        • Kelly McGonigal
        • James W. Pennebaker
        • Jordan Peterson
        • Martin Seligman
        • Philip Zimbardo
    • Scientists >
      • Neuroscientists >
        • Richard J. Davidson
        • Joe Dispenza
        • David Eagleman
        • Andrew Huberman
        • Stephen Porges
        • Dan Siegel
      • Other >
        • Bruce Lipton
        • Candace Pert
    • Writers >
      • A - F >
        • Julia Cameron
        • James Clear
        • Charles Duhigg
        • Nir Eyal
        • Debbie Ford
        • Tim Ferriss
      • G - H >
        • Malcolm Gladwell
        • Seth Godin
        • Daniel Goleman
        • Robert Greene
        • David Hamilton
        • Tim Harford
        • Johann Hari
        • Ryan Holiday
      • I - M >
        • Steven Johnson
        • Steven Kotler
        • Sarah Lewis
        • Mark Manson
        • Greg McKeown
        • Caroline Myss
      • N - Z >
        • Joseph Chilton Pearce
        • Dan Pink
        • Steven Pressfield
        • Gretchen Rubin
        • Robin Sharma
        • Barbara Sher
        • Jamie Wheal
    • More... >
      • Parapsychologists >
        • Dean Radin
      • Philosophers >
        • Alain De Botton
        • (The Work Of) Friedrich Nietzsche
      • Spiritual Teachers >
        • Pema Chödrön
        • Deepak Chopra
        • Masaru Emoto
        • Paul Ferrini
        • Matthieu Ricard
        • Teal Swan
        • Eckhart Tolle
      • Therapists/Coaches >
        • A - K >
          • David Allen
          • Martha Beck
          • Janina Fisher
          • Marie Forleo
          • Byron Katie
          • Jim Kwik
        • L - Z >
          • Philip McKernan
          • Mel Robbins
          • Tony Robbins
          • Simon Sinek
          • Brad Yates
      • TV Hosts / Podcasters >
        • Russell Brand
        • Jason Silva
  • More...
    • Key D.I.Y. >
      • A - E >
        • Amor Fati
        • Bullet Journaling
        • EMDR
        • The Emotion Code
        • Expressive Writing
      • F - M >
        • F**k-It Therapy
        • The Havening Technique
        • Internal Family Systems
        • Memento Mori
        • Morning Pages
      • N - R >
        • Negative Visualisation
        • NLP
        • Radical Acceptance (DBT)
        • Radically Open DBT
        • The Relaxation Response
      • S - Z >
        • Self-Authoring
        • Shadow Work
        • SMART Goals
        • Tapping (EFT)
        • The WOOP Technique
        • The Work
    • Key Films >
      • All The Rage
      • The Connection
      • Crazywise
      • Finding Joe
      • Heal
      • Most Likely To Succeed
    • Key Ideas >
      • A - E >
        • The ACE Study
        • Deep Work
        • Deliberate Practice
        • Design Thinking
        • Emotional Agility
        • Emotional Intelligence
        • Essentialism
      • F - M >
        • Growth Mindset
        • Learned Helplessness
        • Locus Of Control
        • The Marshmallow Test
        • The Milgram Experiment
      • N - Z >
        • Post-Traumatic Growth
        • Rat Park
        • The Still Face Experiment
        • The Stockdale Paradox
        • The Strange Situation
    • Key Media >
      • A-C >
        • Academy Of Ideas
        • BBC
        • Big Think >
          • Big Think Page 1
          • Big Think Page 2
        • Business Insider
        • CBS
        • Chase Jarvis
        • Closer To Truth
      • D-L >
        • The Daily Stoic
        • Discovery
        • Einzelgänger
        • HBR
        • Impact Theory
        • Inc.
        • London Real >
          • London Real Page 1
          • London Real Page 2
      • M-O >
        • Marie TV
        • Nathaniel Drew
        • The Next Big Idea Club
        • NPR
        • Optimize / PNTV
        • OWN >
          • OWN Page 1
          • OWN Page 2
      • P-Z >
        • PBS >
          • PBS Page 1
          • PBS Page 2
        • PsychAlive
        • Rich Roll
        • The School Of Life >
          • The School Of Life Page 1
          • The School Of Life Page 2
        • Sci Show
        • The Tim Ferriss Show
    • Key Institutions >
      • A-N >
        • Coursera
        • Greater Good Science Center
        • Headspace
        • Mind Tools
        • Now Matters Now
      • O-Z >
        • Omega Institute
        • RSA
        • Six Seconds
        • Stanford University
        • TED >
          • TED: Attitude & I.D.
          • TED: Creativity & Ideas
          • TED: Direction & Drive
          • TED: E.Q. & States
          • TED: Mind & Matter
          • TED: Pain & Gain