It’s not unusual, when life goes south, to want someone to tell us everything is going to be OK.

When my life hit a rough patch, that’s exactly what I wanted.

And the people I turned to were psychics.

Desperate for some kind of reassurance that things would get better, they were the only people I could think of who could give me a glimmer of hope that my life would get back on track again.

And each time they did.

I would come away after each session floating on air, filled with unbridled joy and an unshakeable belief that everything in my life would work out just fine — so much better than fine, in fact.

I became intoxicated with the drug of possibility.

And then I waited.

Impatient for life to get better, I kept expecting to see signs of its drastic improvement around every corner.

But I didn’t see any. 

The bind I found myself in far outlasted the period of time I would give myself these heady injections of baseless joy.

And so my moods would go up and down like a psychotic yo-yo: excited and relieved one minute; desperate and angry the next.

It would take seeing another behaving just like me to finally get a grip on my own missteps.

A friend— like me — would also get a massive high from going to psychics and being filled with narcotic-free “hope hits” of galactic proportions.

And, like any other “hit”, the comedown was just as spectacular.

Within a week of these types of pilgrimages, I would watch as she would be left confused, deflated and despairing.

And as an observer, it was very easy to see why.

This fleeting glimpse of paradise was the part that was actually causing her more harm, arguably, than the predicament she was in.

I felt the same way. And so I stopped turning to psychics.


When Things Don't Get Better

The truth is, some things don’t ever seem to improve (note: this is being written in Covid-lockdown Stage 2) — or, at least they can take a very, very long time to.

We can always find ourselves trapped in situations which we once thought would resolve themselves quickly, only to find ourselves months — or even years — later, still there, still hoping for change, still trying to escape.

It might be a bad marriage.

It might be a shitty job.

It might be that we had to move back in with our parents because we finally left that bad marriage or quit that shitty job and now we have found a brand new place to be stuck in.

And life can suck for a very long time.

The thing is, just knowing that something isn’t working isn’t enough to make that thing change.

And blind faith that it will somehow magically get better next week, next month, or next year, isn’t likely to help either.

To survive the spirit-crushing nature of our predicaments, then, we have to throw ourselves a rope — one that is, conversely, both optimistic and pessimistic at the same time.

The real lifeline comes from embracing the opposites and living both truths side by side, as James Stockdale will tell you.


The Stockdale Paradox

Relentless optimism in a situation where you don’t really have anything to be optimistic about is more than just deluded thinking.

When you are a prisoner of war, it can actually be life-threatening.

Stockdale, a naval officer at the time of the Vietnam War, had to learn this the hard way when he was held in a POW camp for seven long years.

This is an account of his time there by Jim Collins in his book, Good To Great:

Initially, when Collins asked Stockdale how he endured this, he replied that he “never lost faith in the end of the story”.

He “never doubted” that he would get out one day, that he “would prevail in the end” and ultimately be defined by the experience in the best way possible.

Yet, at the same time, Stockdale said that the ones who suffered the most in that camp — and even died prematurely — were in fact, the optimists.

How so?

Again from Collins' book, Good To Great:

A Marriage Of Opposites

The lesson, said Stockdale — and the thing that kept him going — was to hold two contrasting beliefs in his mind.

He wasn’t getting out by Christmas. But he absolutely was getting out.

The trick was not to allow his optimism to blind him to the “brutal facts” of his situation, which were just as vital to his survival during this time.

As he told Collins:

Facing facts might not be as sexy as “you will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger” but it is vital we do so, particularly when we feel trapped.

While optimism is an essential component of psychological health; blind optimism — the kind where we think life will magically sort itself out on its own — is a dangerous state to stay in.

Just like the blissful high that comes from a visit to a tarot card reader, these kinds of states aren’t meant to last.

Eventually reality will come crashing in, regardless of whether we want to face it or not.

So balancing faith with facts, is an advisable way to navigate these times; to stay grounded — not deluded.

Aside from anything, it might just save us from a broken heart.

When  we talk to the uninitiated about Shadow Psychology: our repressed states, the idea about "integrating" our darker, unacknowledged traits in order to be fully realised "whole" human beings - we can forgive people if they look back at us blankly,  unashamedly uninterested.

But mutter the word "hypocrite" in anyone's direction and we will get a decidedly different response.

We are ultimately talking about the same thing. But for anyone who isn't a self-help junkie, who hasn't studied the work of Carl Jung, been independently curious about psychological jargon, or spent time in therapy doing "shadow work", there is no reason why anyone else would even give this idea the time of day.

Hypocrisy, however, is a loaded - and very well understood - term.  And it's powerful. It rocks people to their core and shakes their egos when branded in this way (if they actually listen).

There are, arguably, fewer powerful insults we can throw at someone than this one - particularly the more moral and ethical the target considers themselves to be.

It is a gift, in a sense, when we bump into it, as it is perhaps the ideal introduction into the world of Shadow Psychology, which in itself is also perhaps the most important widely ignored discipline that is so vital to our lives and well-being.


Do As I Say, Not As I Do

In psychological terms we could call it a kind of Cognitive Dissonance - the basic idea that we say one thing but believe something else or act in a way contrary to what we actually think.

It is the priest proselytizing on purity and abstinence while battling a drink problem or abusing the vulnerable; it is the avidly homophobic politician-in-public who is engaging in a homosexual relationship in private.

In essence, it is  when we criticize and condemn people for acting in a way that we in fact are also acting ourselves (frequently unbeknownst to others) - and it can also be us hating on people for things we are not doing but wish we were.

As Jung once famously said:

Psychology and philosophy vlogger Einzelgänger gives a layman's introduction, below, and as he explains, it is not the fact that we are hypocrites in the first place that is the problem.

It is that we fail to recognize it.

We miss the opportunity to "integrate" these hidden aspects into our conscious selves so we are no longer dominated by misunderstood, unrecognized unconscious forces.

What We Resist...

Our darker urges exist because we resist looking at them.

And our hatred of other people's behaviour stems from the failure - or refusal - to recognize that the things we are villainising lie inside of us too.

Only when we bring these traits to the surface, then, facing them in the cold light of day and admit that we are, also, like that too, can they ever cease to hold power over us.

So how do we do this?


"The Work"

There are many different ways (you can find various techniques here).

One is via "The Work", by Byron Katie. 

Katie has a simple "Judge Your Neighbor" exercise (with an explanatory video, below).

The basic idea behind it is also a fundamental lesson in hypocrisy - that whatever it is that is driving us nuts about XXX is generally the very thing we need to own up to ourselves.

And it goes without saying that it's easier to do in some cases than it is in others.

But it is always worth doing.

Why?

We can't hope to function very well in this world at the very least - or flourish at best - if we are walking around like zombified automatons, unaware of what we think, what drives us, what hatred we secretly harbour, remaining ignorant of how objectionable we might actually be.

It stands to reason.

At the very least, as Jung says, if we learn to recognize the hypocrisy in ourselves, it might not only make us whole but it might just make us connect with people a little bit better:

And any of us who say we couldn't care less how other people feel, or how other people feel about us are either raging psychopaths, or just haven't looked squarely at ourselves in the mirror for quite some time.

Perhaps it's time we did.

The most dangerous aspect of unresolved feelings and unaddressed stuck emotions is that we believe whatever it is we are thinking. 

We get sucked into a virtual reality that is utterly convincing.  And the very idea that there is actually something within our control to take us out of it feels ludicrous if not downright offensive.

For us, this is real: the world is bleak, things are hopeless, we will never find anyone who gets us, we will never get ourselves out of the mess we are in (etc etc).

But the thing that actually sets us free is also the hardest thing to accept.

Aside from when we are faced with serious, life-threatening illnesses and traumatic psychological conditions which require serious professional help, the day-to-day troughs, low spells and dour moods we all experience is totally within our power to eradicate.

It requires 3 initial steps:


Be Honest & Specific

The first step is to ask ourselves how we really feel. Shit? Good. What is it specifically that is getting us down? Pick one thing at a time.


Ask If What We Believe Is True

The second step is to break the grip this idea has on us. We need to challenge our assumptions, that's all. Is there a possibility that what we are thinking isn't actually true?


Take Action

As soon as have stepped out of the "virtual reality", admitted why we feel so bad and that maybe it's not based in reality, we are ready to work on clearing it.

Here are 4 techniques we can work with by ourselves:


1. Expressive Writing

This is ideal when we are stuck on Step 1.

If we know we feel bad and we're not sure why, just ranting and raving on a piece of paper can begin to work wonders.

It allows us to vent, which is cathartic in itself, but as we write we frequently begin to reveal to ourselves what it actually is that is bugging us deep down. ("....and my life is hard and I don't have any friends...")

2. "The Work"

This technique is worth trying if we are stuck on Step 2, as it is specifically designed to make us confront the beliefs we have about a given situation and ask ourselves if it is true.

It basically involves asking ourselves 4 questions:

1. Is what we believe true?
2. Can we be absolutely 100% sure that it's true?
3. How do we react/feel when we think/believe that thought?
4. What would happen & who would we be if we didn't have that thought?

Its creator, Byron Katie, has a free e-book detailing the process which can be found here.

3. EFT (Tapping)

This can be used on literally any issue and the alleviation after a couple of rounds is notable and is worth sticking at - the more specific the issue the better.

As the name of the technique suggests, it involves tapping your fingers on several points on your head, face, chest and underarm, as Brad Yates shows below.

4. The CORE Technique

Part of the Emotional Mastery technique, the principle behind this is to actively move towards whatever unpleasant emotion it is you have that you might instinctively want to avoid.

The idea being that once you focus your attention on it and gradually drill deeper into it, simply be observing it and feeling it - without trying too hard to actually shift it - it gradually dissipates.

An example of it can be found below.

Life isn't always going to go our way. Here are 4 techniques that might help when life has won the grand prize of being the world's biggest shit-show

Sometimes, life is just shit. It's bleak. It's boring. It's repetitive, predictable, petty and small. It's going nowhere. And it's worse when we can't find any reprieve from it.

We can find umpteen motivational videos telling us that "We can be or do anything we desire!". We tell ourselves that we just lack confidence and are "afraid of our own power".  We are told (by therapists, life coaches, gurus, self-styled experts) that we just have to believe in ourselves, repeat mantras and visualise success (and nothing happens).

"Surround yourself with people you admire!", we are frequently advised.  "Find a mentor, then get better than them!".

But what if there aren't any?

What if we are stuck in some godforsaken shit-hole in the middle of nowhere with zero opportunities to meet incredibly inspiring people who will take us on a magical journey to Wonderland?

What, if we are neighbours with bin collectors, shop assistants and coffee shop baristas (not Tony Robbins or Richard Branson).

What then?


When The Advice Doesn't Work

After a while, all of these promises and pieces of advice can begin to ring a little hollow.

And then, as a last act of desperation, all we can do is try to kick ourselves into a state of positivity, telling ourselves, "Stop being so defeatist", "Anything is possible, right?"

But frequently, it feels like all evidence points to the contrary.

That no matter how hard we work, how much money we spend on therapy, life coaching and self-improvement programs, nothing changes.

How do we deal, then, when life has turned into one long shit-show and (to rub the salt in), the advice we are being given either doesn't fit our circumstances - or doesn't seem to work?

There are 4 approaches that run counter to the typical self-help mantras that might help shift things a bit.

They work regardless of income, geography or social networks - not all will appeal but all have their place. And what connects them all is this: none of them are designed to drastically change your life - and that's kind of the point:


1. Amor Fati

This is the hardest one to swallow, so best to get this out of the way first.

It requires a pretty sizeable amount of magnanimity which, when life is really tricky, is quite hard to say the least. 

"Amor Fati" is a stoic practice that basically translates as "love your fate".

It requires not only developing the ability to take misfortune on the chin but to actually become grateful for it, recognizing that hidden gems can lie in life's unpleasant moments. Robert Greene & Ryan Holiday explain all in the video below.

2. Radical Acceptance

If you are unable to get to that point, you could consider Marsha Linehan's technique of Radical Acceptance, where you actually fact facts.

You don't sugar coat it, you don't pretend something shit is actually secretly a brilliant gift, but you just accept what has happened - and what is happening. As Linehan says in the video below:

"You have to radically accept you want something you don't have and it's not a catastrophe."

Anything less is living in denial and stretching out the misery you have found yourself rolling around in.

3. Intense Realism

In a similar vein, Intense Realism (as described in Chapter 1 of The 50th Law by Robert Greene) is the ability to accept reality as it is (and not as how we wish it was).

And as Greene argues, it allows us to finetune skills we might not otherwise have learned.

We have to be sharper, for example. We have to be better at spotting opportunities.

The real danger, he says, is not necessarily in the situation itself - it's in denial:

"When things get tough and you grow tired of the grind, your mind tends to drift into fantasies... Reality has its own power—you can turn your back on it, but it will find you in the end, and your inability to cope with it will be your ruin."

4. "F**k It"

If all this seems a bit too much in the given moment, the last technique is quick, painless and simple. It requires saying F**k It (and meaning it).

Author John Parkin, highly recommends it as way of "giving in to a situation" and accepting it, warts and all, as it actually is.

He advises it when faced with intractable situations, his idea being it helps us let go, release stress, stop worrying and wanting something so badly.

It requires "giving up of our normal rational approach to dealing with things", and the need for everything to be exactly the way we want it to be.

Instead, it allows us to breathe again, to gain a bit of perspective and to feel a bit freer in difficult moments.

So the next time we are looking at our lives and it feels like a crushing disappointment, these techniques might help, the key always being to remember that the pain lies in the desire for it to be different - and the liberation comes from squarely facing up to it exactly as it is.

It's usual, albeit frustrating, to hit a wall when trying to execute an idea. There are intractable issues that appear to be beyond your control, fundamental problems that just can't be resolved - if they could, it wouldn't be a wall, would it?

But what if the wall didn't exist? What if these problems could be taken out of the equation? What then?

It sounds like a futile suggestion, but according to Duncan Wardle, the former head of creativity and innovation at Disney, this is exactly the kind of thinking we need to adopt.

The key to breakthrough ideas, he says, lies in asking ourselves a very basic - and no-holds barred - question: "What If?".

Wardle explains that the likes of Disneyland and Netflix both came about due to this kind of thinking and it requires looking at a set of problems and effectively acting like they no longer exist.

He calls it The What If Technique and it only requires three steps:


1. Forget Your Expertise

The What If Technique requires stepping out of your "usual river of thinking", says Wardle, noting that a key "creativity killer" is, in fact, expertise in any given subject.

Expertise can ironically be the very thing that prevents us from seeing the answer to the problem we are faced with, he says, as it boxes us in to the usual way of doing things (which is why outsiders often come up with the most creative solutions to problems).

So, in essence, leave what you think you know at the door.


2. "List The Rules Of Your Challenge"

In order to identify in detail what the wall looks like, you need to have a detailed understanding of it's "rules", he says.

These are effectively all the things inherent within this problem which stop you moving from A to B.

Identify as many as you can.


3. Act As If The Rules No Longer Apply

The last part is to look at all these restrictions and ask "What If" they didn't exist? What would the new terrain look like? What new problems would there be to solve? What could you do about them?

The trick is to allow yourself to explore options in this brand new territory, no matter how hare-brained they appear.

What does the world look like when you no longer need to operate by these rules? And what new rules do you encounter in this pretend one?

This was how Walt Disney went from initially trying to find a way to pump mist into cinemas to liven up Fantasia (which he couldn't do), says Wardle, to ultimately "solving" that problem by creating Disneyland.

Give it a try.

Your brain will get to work in this new imaginary setting in ways that might surprise you.

Starting a new habit is hard enough; keeping it's another matter entirely. James Clear has an answer to this problem - and he has Jerry Seinfeld to thank for it.

Starting a new habit is hard enough, particularly when there is all kinds of resistance around it, based in insecurity, fear of failure, looking like an idiot... the list goes on.

Maintaining that habit once you have actually mustered up the gumption to do the thing is another matter entirely.

There are all kinds of psychological exercises out there to help us motivate ourselves to stick at whatever it is we have committed ourselves to changing.

James Clear has one, however, that is designed to take the effort out of doing it.

The trick, as he explains here (and in the video below), is to focus on something completely different instead.


It's What We Focus On

Typically, we place so much energy on the thing we are actually doing that habits can become the big boogeymen, something we have to grapple with.

They become fights we need to win.

It's exhausting and only too often, self-defeating.

So, drawing on advice from comedian Jerry Seinfeld, Clear recommends this: simply mark out the days on the calendar when we actually do what we say we are going to do - and switch the goal to progressively getting as many days in a row as we can.

The focus will shift away from the habit itself and on to the number of days we have crossed off. It then becomes an issue of minimising the number of days that are not crossed off - rather than obsess fruitlessly over the task-at-hand.


"Don't Break The Chain"

This is what Clear calls, "Don't Break The Chain" and actually seeing the chain take its form in front of us, is key to making it work, he says:

"Whatever the habit is you're trying to build, this type of feedback, It gives you a visual cue, a long-term motivator to see that on the wall and to look at the progress you have made."