It’s not unusual, when life goes south, to want someone to tell us everything is going to be OK.

When my life hit a rough patch, that’s exactly what I wanted.

And the people I turned to were psychics.

Desperate for some kind of reassurance that things would get better, they were the only people I could think of who could give me a glimmer of hope that my life would get back on track again.

And each time they did.

I would come away after each session floating on air, filled with unbridled joy and an unshakeable belief that everything in my life would work out just fine — so much better than fine, in fact.

I became intoxicated with the drug of possibility.

And then I waited.

Impatient for life to get better, I kept expecting to see signs of its drastic improvement around every corner.

But I didn’t see any. 

The bind I found myself in far outlasted the period of time I would give myself these heady injections of baseless joy.

And so my moods would go up and down like a psychotic yo-yo: excited and relieved one minute; desperate and angry the next.

It would take seeing another behaving just like me to finally get a grip on my own missteps.

A friend— like me — would also get a massive high from going to psychics and being filled with narcotic-free “hope hits” of galactic proportions.

And, like any other “hit”, the comedown was just as spectacular.

Within a week of these types of pilgrimages, I would watch as she would be left confused, deflated and despairing.

And as an observer, it was very easy to see why.

This fleeting glimpse of paradise was the part that was actually causing her more harm, arguably, than the predicament she was in.

I felt the same way. And so I stopped turning to psychics.


When Things Don't Get Better

The truth is, some things don’t ever seem to improve (note: this is being written in Covid-lockdown Stage 2) — or, at least they can take a very, very long time to.

We can always find ourselves trapped in situations which we once thought would resolve themselves quickly, only to find ourselves months — or even years — later, still there, still hoping for change, still trying to escape.

It might be a bad marriage.

It might be a shitty job.

It might be that we had to move back in with our parents because we finally left that bad marriage or quit that shitty job and now we have found a brand new place to be stuck in.

And life can suck for a very long time.

The thing is, just knowing that something isn’t working isn’t enough to make that thing change.

And blind faith that it will somehow magically get better next week, next month, or next year, isn’t likely to help either.

To survive the spirit-crushing nature of our predicaments, then, we have to throw ourselves a rope — one that is, conversely, both optimistic and pessimistic at the same time.

The real lifeline comes from embracing the opposites and living both truths side by side, as James Stockdale will tell you.


The Stockdale Paradox

Relentless optimism in a situation where you don’t really have anything to be optimistic about is more than just deluded thinking.

When you are a prisoner of war, it can actually be life-threatening.

Stockdale, a naval officer at the time of the Vietnam War, had to learn this the hard way when he was held in a POW camp for seven long years.

This is an account of his time there by Jim Collins in his book, Good To Great:

Initially, when Collins asked Stockdale how he endured this, he replied that he “never lost faith in the end of the story”.

He “never doubted” that he would get out one day, that he “would prevail in the end” and ultimately be defined by the experience in the best way possible.

Yet, at the same time, Stockdale said that the ones who suffered the most in that camp — and even died prematurely — were in fact, the optimists.

How so?

Again from Collins' book, Good To Great:

A Marriage Of Opposites

The lesson, said Stockdale — and the thing that kept him going — was to hold two contrasting beliefs in his mind.

He wasn’t getting out by Christmas. But he absolutely was getting out.

The trick was not to allow his optimism to blind him to the “brutal facts” of his situation, which were just as vital to his survival during this time.

As he told Collins:

Facing facts might not be as sexy as “you will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger” but it is vital we do so, particularly when we feel trapped.

While optimism is an essential component of psychological health; blind optimism — the kind where we think life will magically sort itself out on its own — is a dangerous state to stay in.

Just like the blissful high that comes from a visit to a tarot card reader, these kinds of states aren’t meant to last.

Eventually reality will come crashing in, regardless of whether we want to face it or not.

So balancing faith with facts, is an advisable way to navigate these times; to stay grounded — not deluded.

Aside from anything, it might just save us from a broken heart.

Feeling powerless and helpless is a key factor behind anxiety and depression. There's a cure for that.

We can frequently find ourselves in incredibly demoralizing situations.

Take the average office. For many of us, it provides little more than a delightful daily cocktail of insufficient pay, mindbogglingly repetitive tasks and stifling levels of box-ticking.

Feeling like a cog in a wheel is hard enough when this is a job to pay the bills (rather than a step up the ladder to something greater).

It can become intolerable, however, when we are perpetually undermined, given insufficient freedom to make decisions and are left feeling overworked, undervalued and underpaid.

For many of us, quitting isn’t an option, which just compounds the misery we feel. We can’t take action to rectify the situation and the feeling of helplessness takes root, with no visible remedy in sight.

It‘s’ the perfect recipe for apathy, at best. Really, why bother?


Why Agency Matters

The reason why we get dragged down so much, says Johann Hari in this Big Think video, is that we have a strong psychological need for “agency” — the sense of being in control of the direction of our lives.

Having a lack of agency is a key factor behind work-related depression and anxiety, he says, quoting the work of Australian scientist, Michael Marmot:

"If you go to work and you feel controlled - you feel you have few or limited choices - you are significantly more likely to become depressed."

So what’s the answer when we feel beaten down and we lack this sense of control over our lives?

And the answer? Not surprisingly, it is to take back control.


The Need To Take Back Control

There are many ways we can do this.

The example Hari cites in the Big Think video might seem to be a bit too much of a jump for some right now but is instructive all the same.

In the case he highlights, a husband and wife quit their jobs to run a bike shop together. The act of being responsible for it had the inadvertent effect of combating their prior feelings of depression and anxiety.

This is great, but...

While we might aspire to do that (run our own show), we can’t always change our external environment at the click of our fingers.

The key, then, is to understand how we get that feeling of being in control in our everyday life.

A 1970's psychology study in a U.S. care home might give us some clues about how to achieve that.


Arden House

In the late 1970's, esteemed Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer and her colleague Judith Rodin, conducted what was to become a landmark experiment in Arden House, a care home in New England.

What they did was deceptively simple but startlingly effective.

Langer and Rodin divided the residents into two groups, both of which were given plants to care for and films to watch, with a subtle variation in the parameters set around the control group.

While one group had everything done for them, the other was given the power to make decisions for themselves.

Nothing grand, they were simply given the ability to decide where and when they would receive visitors, if and when they would watch the films being shown and in what way they would care for their houseplants (how often they would water them, where they would place them in their rooms and so on).

The idea being, writes Langer in her book Counterclockwise, was to make this group feel actively engaged with the world around them — and less of a passive bystander.

The results were remarkable.

The Results

Eighteen months later, they revisited Arden House, compared the two groups and found that the control group were not only healthier, happier and more alert but twice as many of them were alive.

It raised the idea that not only is the feeling of control directly linked to happiness - it's linked to longevity, too.

What is so reassuring about this study, is that sometimes the desire to be in control of our lives can take on what feel like unreachable goals - we want to own a house, run our own business, be in a position of status. And, of course, these things might come.

But for the time in between, it is a relief to know that the things that markedly improve our happiness levels right now are the little decisions we are able to take every day - and knowing that there are always some aspects of our lives (if not all) that we are in control of.


What We Can Do Now

Even if it is just choosing what we focus on, there are always some aspects of our lives (if not all) that we are in control of — and they might be more vital to our long-term health and happiness than we realise.

Here are a few suggestions to get started:

• If f you are in a job you hate and you can leave, leave. If you are that unhappy where you are, you need to do it.

 

• If you are in a situation, where you are surrounded by people that make you feel powerless and you can leave it, again, leave — or at least restrict the amount of time you spend around them.

 

• If you can, find something in your life that gives you meaning. This can be volunteering, it can be adopting a pet pooch, it doesn’t matter. We can never underestimate the power that a meaningful existence has on us as individuals. It literally gives us a reason-to-be.
  

 

• If you feel inclined, think about starting a project that is yours and yours alone (it could be growing vegetables, it could be starting a blog). This is something that belongs to you, that you can take ownership of and that you can always come back to, regardless of what else is going on in your life. It is your safe haven.
  

 

• Apply The “Do Something Principle”, coined by Mark Manson. Take action on something — literally anything . It will change your state of mind.

 

• Take advantage of The Zeigarnik Effect. Give yourself a task and then put it down before you have finished it. You will be compelled to return to it later and that feeling of having something to do might give you a well-needed boost.

 

• Move if you can. It sounds like obvious advice but physical movement helps. A short, brisk walk will blow away the cobwebs and ideas might start to flow a bit more freely that sitting and ruminating (but sometimes just sitting helps too — see last point).

 

• Control what you watch on the TV, particularly the news when it’s always bad news (this is being written peak Covid 19). Our negativity bias draws us towards catastrophes and disasters which can leave us feeling demoralized and demotivated. It’s a perfect recipe for feeling hopeless. Restrict your exposure to that.

 

• Learn how to take control of your emotional state. If you can, start seeing a therapist. If you can’t, learn a D.I.Y. technique like tapping (EFT). You won’t be able to maintain a feeling of control if you aren’t fully engaged with how you feel.

 

• Otherwise, simply take a break every now and again. Reset yourself: turn off the laptop, switch off the TV, put down your phone. Stare out the window, meditate, take a nap, deliberately relax. Give yourself a chance to gain a new perspective. If you are waiting for a “break-through moment”, a flash of insight, a way to get out of this situation you’re in, they tend to come knocking at times like these.