It's not unusual to run on auto-pilot, particularly when life is hectic: the diary is packed, the to-do list is brimming, the days are full.

What is unusual (and beats being busy every time) is to take a step back - as frequently as we can - and reassess; to look at what we are doing and ask ourselves: "Am I being true to myself?"

This kind of question is a catch-all for an infinite number of variations:

"Is this who I am?"
"Is this what I want?".
"Am I heading in the right direction?"
"Did I mean what I just said?"
"Do I really think that?"
"Is this person right for me?"
"Is this job/career really what I am about?"

And so on. And, as with all of them, we will, at times dislike the answers we get.

And that's a key reason why we don't ask ourselves these types of questions in the first place.

Or, we simply don't think to.


Wake-Up Calls

The thing is, if we keep dodging them, they will eventually present themselves to us in a way that we cannot escape.

This is what a mid-life crisis is all about. 

It's about having these very questions thrust starkly in front of us at a time when we feel they must be answered.

It's when we begin to accept a truth about something (or many things) that we have, perhaps, always known deep inside but ignored.

And that dereliction of duty has given us a life that isn't the one we actually want.

It becomes a crisis because by the time life forces us to confront this, it comes with a sense of urgency inevitably due to the age at which we are made to face it.

Changes, then, have to be made - and fast.


Paying The Price

This is when marriages fail, when careers implode and when nervous breakdowns come knocking. 

It is anything but pleasant.

And it is anything but the hedonistic red sports-car-driving caricature of mid-life that is so often painted for us.

What's worse is that while it will take just minutes to undo a life that has been built over decades, it might very well take years to get to the New Life - and to get there in one piece.

Inevitably, by the time we do get there, a big part of us will have wished that we had listened to that voice inside our heads so many years earlier when it was whispering, "this person isn't right for you", or "your career is killing you".


Being "Congruent"

While this form of radical self-honesty might seem a bit extreme, it doesn't always have to reach existential levels. And we don't have to wait for a crisis to make changes.

There are subtle ways we can tap into this "knowing" right at this very minute, before it reaches such a dramatic point that it is forced to become a wake-up call.

It is called congruence.

Congruence (and its opposite, incongruence) is a concept that was coined by a psychologist by the name of Carl Rogers, which Jordan Peterson delves into in each of the videos below.

Being congruent basically means aligning body, mind and spirit. It's when our beliefs, values and desires line up with our actions.

By its nature, it requires being in touch with what we really think, what we really stand for, what we really want, who we really want to be etc.

It means recognizing the little voice in our head and actually listening to it.

The Body's Messages

And as Peterson explains, if we can't hear the voice, our body will also tell us when we are out of step.  In his words, acting incongruently will make us feel "weak".

This is not weak, as in the machismo sense - it is in the sense that acting "out of alignment" dis-empowers us, destabilises us internally, puts us on the back foot.

We all know, for example, what it feels like when something feels "off", or not quite right.

We have all had a "bad feeling" about something at some point in our lives or done something and wish we hadn't as it didn't feel like us. 

We might agree to an arrangement and a big part of us wishes we hadn't. We might make a decision and feel conflicted about it. We might say something and immediately regret it.  We might push forward with a plan but it feels empty. There's no life in it. We aren't all in.

And that's what this is really about - being all in.

Because there is only so long that we can coast along, living a half-life: being in relationships that aren't right for us, working jobs we hate, being friends with people who don't have our backs, failing to connect meaningfully with people who do.

It is a form of self-betrayal which eats away at us each time we say or do something that contradicts our true nature - frequently in such subtle ways we fail to notice it at the time, if we are not paying attention.

Until at some point, much later in life, we are made to.

And when that happens, there won't be a red sports car waiting for us. 

It will be something very different, indeed.

When  we talk to the uninitiated about Shadow Psychology: our repressed states, the idea about "integrating" our darker, unacknowledged traits in order to be fully realised "whole" human beings - we can forgive people if they look back at us blankly,  unashamedly uninterested.

But mutter the word "hypocrite" in anyone's direction and we will get a decidedly different response.

Hypocrisy, is a loaded - and very well understood - term.  And it's powerful. There are, arguably, fewer powerful insults we can throw at someone than this one - particularly the more moral and ethical the target considers themselves to be.

It is a gift, in a sense, when we bump into it, as it is perhaps the ideal introduction into the world of Shadow Psychology.


Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Hypocrisy means saying (or preaching) one thing but doing the opposite (often in secret).

It's the priest proselytizing on purity and abstinence while battling a drink problem or abusing the vulnerable; it is the avidly homophobic politician-in-public who is engaging in a homosexual relationship in private.

It's when we criticize and condemn people for acting in a way that we in fact are also acting ourselves but it can also be us hating on people for things we are not doing but wish we were.

As Jung once famously said:

Psychology and philosophy vlogger Einzelgänger gives a layman's introduction, here, and as he explains, it is not the fact that we are hypocrites in the first place that is the problem. It is that we fail to recognize it.

And that means we miss the opportunity to "integrate" these hidden aspects into our conscious selves so we are no longer dominated by misunderstood, unrecognized unconscious forces.


What We Resist...

Our darker urges exist because we resist looking at them.

And our hatred of other people's behaviour stems from the failure - or refusal - to recognize that the things we are villainising lie inside of us too.

Only when we bring these traits to the surface, then, facing them in the cold light of day and admitting that we are, also, like that too, can they ever cease to hold power over us.

So how do we do this?


"The Work"

There are many different ways to do it (you can find various techniques here).

One way is via "The Work", by Byron Katie. 

Katie has a simple "Judge Your Neighbor" exercise (with an explanatory video here).

The basic idea behind it is that whatever it is that is driving us nuts about our "neighbour" is generally the very thing we need to own up to ourselves.

And it goes without saying that it's easier to do in some cases than it is in others.

But it is always worth doing.

Why?

At the very least, as Jung says, if we learn to recognize the hypocrisy in ourselves, it might not only make us whole but it might just make us connect with people a little bit better (and isn't that what we all ultimately want?):

No-one likes bullies. But the worst kind, the most insidious of them all, live inside our heads. And the reason they are so powerful is because we don't even realise they are there.

They are so deeply embedded in our thoughts, emotions, beliefs and knee-jerk reactions to situations, that we think they are us - and we think they're right.

These voices have lives of their own - and they began in the 'real world', before they leapt into our minds and started whispering in our ears.


The Critical Inner Voice

The Critical Inner Voice, as it is known, typically gets created as a defense mechanism to a painful situation.

It doesn't always require a direct criticism or scolding to develop (the growing pains of childhood inevitably spawn situations that leave us feeling inadequate) - but the negative feedback loop we get stuck in can inevitably be traced back to an individual or group of people whose words and/or actions impacted us deeply.

If we have ever been picked on, regularly criticized, felt the spotlight was on us for all the wrong reasons, the emotional charge of that event can get stuck.

And the way we were treated at the time, the kinds of judgments/expectations that were made of us and the lack of care that was given to us all get internalised.

We start talking to ourselves in the way we were spoken to that we hated so much.

And it becomes so natural to us, so automated, that we fail to realise we are even doing it.

And before long, we end up doing the original critics' jobs for them.


Recognising The Root

But breakthroughs can be as astoundingly simple as they are effective, as an interview Epiphany Channel did with architect, Greg Schriefer, shows.

Having been plagued by negative self-talk for years, what freed Schriefer was recognising where it actually came from.

When he realised that he was in fact repeating the exact words his father had said to him, he was immediately able to distance himself from the voice.

It no longer belonged to him, so he could begin a conversation with it, rather than just soak up whatever it was saying.

As Schriefer told Elise Ballard, who runs the Epiphany Channel:

Once he realised where the voice came from, he was able to identify it every time it came up again after that - and stop it in its tracks.


When There Are Upsides To That Voice

Writer Isabel Allende outlined a similar experience she had in an interview with Global Leadership TV.

But in her case, she was also able to see how it actually benefited her.

The upside to being harsh on yourself is it can drive you to be better.

Allende was able to create a successful career for herself in a time where it was unusual for a woman to do so.

And it was the high expectations and intolerance of a grandfather cracking the whip (in real life and in her head) that she says she had to thank for it. 

She told Global Leadership TV:

Finding The Right Balance

The downside was, she could never switch off, feeling guilty if she ever stopped working.

Being able to give the voice - and herself - a break has been the key to achieving a bit more balance.

And now she uses this critical voice to her advantage as and when she needs it:

The next time we get swept up by the voice inside our heads, the act of being able trace it back to its originator is well worth trying out.

Not only can it free us from the negative aspects of what it is saying - but it in some cases (depending on what it is saying) it might actually help us as well.

When we think "if I could go back in life and change anything", it can be pretty easy to come up with a couple of things (or more).

And that's fine, as long as we are not still hankering after the things on our list.

We might have taken a college course, say, and quickly wished we had done something else. And despite wistfully gazing over at our peers doing XYZ for the duration, we did nothing about it.

If, years later, we still find ourselves looking at certain types of people with a degree of envy, we need to ask ourselves this: What stopped us then? And what's stopping us now?


The Work Of Carol Dweck

Carol Dweck might argue it's a Fixed Mindset.

Dweck, a Professor of Psychology at Stanford University, is behind the psychological theory of Growth Mindsets. 

Based on her research, she says that what keeps us from growing as individuals is our belief that we can't be or do what we want.

We hit a certain point and think we have reached our ceiling - or we think we were born with a limitation in the first place (or a number of them) and are lumbered with it/them for the rest of our lives.


The Magic Word Is "Yet"

Her TED Talk, "The Power of Yet" (below), delves into her findings that the kinds of kids who actually do well at school aren't necessarily naturally gifted at anything - they just take joy in challenges and, crucially, believe they can get better at things.

It is something we could all do well to remember. Perhaps we just haven't quite got to wherever we want... yet.


There Isn't A "Growth Mindset Type"

And, reassuringly, in an interview with ANZ, she points out that there isn't any particular kind of person who is blessed all round with this kind of thinking.

There isn't a "Growth Mindset Type" per se.

All of us can be optimistic about our abilities and ambitions in some areas yet crushingly pessimistic in others, she says.

And she advises we would do well to be aware of those areas of our life where we close off opportunities to ourselves in the mistaken belief we do not have what it takes to get there.

It might be wise to keep that in mind next time we catch a "fit of the envies"...

PATTERNS & HABITS

Starting a new habit is hard enough; keeping it's another matter entirely. James Clear has an answer to this problem - and he has Jerry Seinfeld to thank for it.

Starting a new habit is hard enough, particularly when there is all kinds of resistance around it, based in insecurity, fear of failure, looking like an idiot... the list goes on.

Maintaining that habit once you have actually mustered up the gumption to do the thing is another matter entirely.

There are all kinds of psychological exercises out there to help us motivate ourselves to stick at whatever it is we have committed ourselves to changing.

James Clear has one, however, that is designed to take the effort out of doing it.

The trick, as he explains here (and in the video below), is to focus on something completely different instead.


It's What We Focus On

Typically, we place so much energy on the thing we are actually doing that habits can become the big boogeymen, something we have to grapple with.

They become fights we need to win.

It's exhausting and only too often, self-defeating.

So, drawing on advice from comedian Jerry Seinfeld, Clear recommends this: simply mark out the days on the calendar when we actually do what we say we are going to do - and switch the goal to progressively getting as many days in a row as we can.

The focus will shift away from the habit itself and on to the number of days we have crossed off. It then becomes an issue of minimising the number of days that are not crossed off - rather than obsess fruitlessly over the task-at-hand.


"Don't Break The Chain"

This is what Clear calls, "Don't Break The Chain" and actually seeing the chain take its form in front of us, is key to making it work, he says:

"Whatever the habit is you're trying to build, this type of feedback, It gives you a visual cue, a long-term motivator to see that on the wall and to look at the progress you have made."

Barbara Sher offers some priceless insight into why we might feel so inadequate, regardless of evidence to the contrary.

Marrying together three areas - criticism, inadequacy and perfectionism - Sher explains how they come together to create a perfect storm that can be difficult to get out of.

When it comes to criticism, Sher signs up to the old saying, "if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all". 

Why? Well you might actually be wrong, for starters. But vitally, on a psychological level, she says, the criticisms (particularly if they are plenty) will do far more than just sting the recipient.

It will leave them feeling rejected, wounded and distrustful, and, Sher says, "they will remember the hurt", no matter how many compliments follow.


How Criticism Leads To Perfectionism

If the criticism happens in childhood (particularly if it is chronic), the deeper the issues take root.  At an early stage, we can get hooked into feeling inadequate and easily triggered later in life.

One of the ways we can try and compensate for this is by being perfect, which even then, says Sher, is never good enough, either.

Perfection becomes a necessity as opposed to an achievement, as she explains in the video below:

This feeling of never being good enough makes it impossible to get the feeling of getting an "A+", despite these high standards, she explains, and god forbid we get less than that: 

Simply understanding how these three factors link together - criticism in childhood, feeling inadequate and the need to be perfect - can be cathartic enough in itself.

But next time you need a reminder, it is worth watching this short clip.

It is a great way to recognize why you feel the way you do - and snap out of any kind of spiral those feelings of inadequacy can bring on.

There's a well-accepted idea that we should look to positive role models for guidance on how to live. While that philosophy certainly has its merits, little is said about looking to those we hate.

There is an argument for focusing our attentions closely on the people we can't stand: the ones who seem to trigger us beyond all comprehension, whose actions are of such paramount importance to us, it becomes a point of obsession.

We resent these people because they are arrogant, pushy, loud, attention-seeking and overly critical or we despise them because they are complainers, small-minded, spineless and weak.

What Shadow Psychology has to teach us about this is key.


Me & My Shadow

It advises us to get to know our "shadow selves"; that is our repressed states, those parts of us we do not allow out to see the light of day. These traits and behaviours can get buried at a very early age. They can also get locked away later in life in response to highly stressful events.

Ever answered back and got punished for it? Expressed yourself freely and were laughed at or shut down? Had a "great friend" and get betrayed?

Your open and trusting side is likely to take a hammering if you get stabbed in the back.

Your natural exuberance might get diluted if you were repeatedly criticised for it ("stop being so annoying", "you're such a show off"). 

And your creative self-belief might dwindle to zero if you believed the person who criticised you more than you did your own natural inclinations.


How We Express What We Repress

This is why, later in life, when you have had years of practice being a "good" girl or boy, you have learnt to fit in, shelved those silly ideas of being an artist/writer/ designer etc and become skilled at keeping your mouth shut and your nose clean, that someone might come along and remind you of who you used to be.

And you might very well hate them for it.


We Are What We Project

Steve Mortenson, who teaches at the University of Delaware, says, in his TEDx talk, below, that we would be wise to become aware of the "shadow projections" we place on people: what they actually say about ourselves (and who we are not being) - and the power we give away when we fail to take ownership of the long lost traits, skills and talents that have got shoved to one side along the road.

Perhaps then, we will recognise that when we curse the people who are expressing them freely, that what we are actually saying to ourselves is that we can never do or be that too.

And when we do begin to re-integrate our "lost selves" we will find these people do not bother us so much in the end, after all.